just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
