Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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