God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
