I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
