Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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