My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
