my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize