Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
