I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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