Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
