please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
