Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I came so hard my ears popped.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
