I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
