I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
