he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
