Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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