Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
