probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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