Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
