hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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