why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
