I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
