News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
