What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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