If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
