Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
