Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
