Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize