I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
