Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize