Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
