theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
