I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
