dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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