Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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