i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
