Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
