The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
