You just made me feel so damn special
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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