So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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