I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
