How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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