Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
