you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
