Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
