Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
