he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
