genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
