Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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