Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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