I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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