Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
