his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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