I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
