Having a random hookup so left but love u
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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